@chrissyteigen

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

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@KeetPotato

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

@JoshuaHvr

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

@frankzulla

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@geowizzacist

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

@mattZillaaaa

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”