Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true