Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
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Hard not to take this personally
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.