Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”