Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

guilty

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.