Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
thank god
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.