Damn what did I do next
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”