Damn what did I do next
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HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
britain’s three elite institutions
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated