If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
and now we wait
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby