Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Liquor Store Parking

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.