@WilliamAder

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

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@mdob11

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

@dafloydsta

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@FatherWithTwins

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

@KentWGraham

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.