[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Computer: set password
Computer: password is too long
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
Au, got it. Next element.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
For the hoe on the go
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.