“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
You Might Also Like
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
just witnessed a drug deal
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…