Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Brother?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.