Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea