#damn
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I occasionally drink every single night.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
