Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

The internet is full of many things

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Oh, I bet you would be

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

(more comics:

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

📽️movie date🎞️

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?