Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.