Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
You Might Also Like
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
✌️
