Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
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While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?