Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour