Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
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I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!