Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.