Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
You Might Also Like
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!