dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
You Might Also Like
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou