dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
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It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.