Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock Knock

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?

Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

those birds must be on payroll

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer