@stacywawa1: [Pulls away from kissing] So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@david8hughes: "So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?" "The usual, self defecating." "Ha, I think you mean deprecating." "Think all you like."

@Smooheed: Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze Me: please put your pants back on

@existentialcoms: I'm suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

@markhoppus: Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.