“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.
Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
You Might Also Like
I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!