Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
You Might Also Like
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
A classic…
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
next level snooze
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.