@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

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@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.

@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

@KeetPotato

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@iinkedZombie

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@rudetanks

The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!