Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me when I’m ovulating
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
“i miss shittin on people”
