Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
(yawn)
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*jingles half the way*
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.