Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Best seat on the street 😍

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

This is not me but this is me