Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.