Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.