Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down