“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target