Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

how long have you had this for?

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.