“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale