Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I can’t stop watching this.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Leonardo DiCaprisun