Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??