Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery