Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I triple waxed for this?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.