Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Tree: Bark

Dog: {leaves}

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Oh the world we live in…

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

She puts the hot in psychotic

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?