Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I need a long hot meteor shower
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.