Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

let’s discuss

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

thanks auntie mary

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*