Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Squirrels before girls.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Very good news from my accountant
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]