Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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