Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!