Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”