ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.