Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.