Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
You Might Also Like
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.