Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?