Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I want this so bad

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya