Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out