Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”