Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Sniffing the broccoli
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.