Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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The Compass
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.