Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!