Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her