Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.