Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.