Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
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My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.