Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
thank god the sign was there
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Most fashion shows these days…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you