Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Omg 🤣

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.