Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.