Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
The happy life.. 😊
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Stop sending me this shit.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.