Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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How did we not see this back then?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
some Old Testament wisdom
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix