Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
no one ever comes back
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
