Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
All is fair in drunk and war.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.