Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
no refunds
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
reduce, reuse, recycle
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why