Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
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I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…