Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

British meanings of “you look well”

1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.