Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Interior design 👌

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

If you know, you know 😂🚔

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born