Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

The absolute effort that went into this omg

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone