Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Breaking news:
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard