Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
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[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”