Dance like you’re not the father
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Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me, flirting😏
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?