Dance like you’re not the father
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the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
