Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Name this drama.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup