Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

i prefer mine room temperature.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”