Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”