Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

me: my friends:

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

is this a threat

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!