Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.