Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.